an open letter to You

I do not owe it to you. I owe it to no one but myself.

Without being shameless I will accept that I have made mistakes, I am only human.

Today I thank You for your unconditional, overwhelming love you showed and Your patients and Your love that did not relent no matter how much I put You through. Thank You for low expectations, for allowing the pajama days, the nights I kept You in and the occasions You missed because You put me first. I thank You for utter understanding even though many times I’m sure You did not. There are many people, in fact, most would not walk over the bed of thorns by my side like You did, I raise You up in praise and celebrate who You are and liberate Yourself for changing someone’s life.

I understand You more then likely have no feeling at all, that is fine, but I do not. I lay in the sheets we laid in and I often think of You and how you are doing, my dreams tell me stories at night that I wish so dearly were real. But that are not. And we are not. And that’s okay.

I will still love You for a very long time, You not only hold a peace of my heart but a stukkie of my soul, but its okay, I’ve lost so many piece and I still know how to be whole.

I’m sure You feel ashamed for leaving at such a time because You just couldn’t listen to me whine, and its okay, it’s allowed to be that way.

I waver my incorrect diagnosis, my path to burn out, which disrupted and destructed our relationship. I simply could not cope with anything let alone the little things. I beg You to continue to communicate your feelings towards people before it’s too late.

Learn from our love that at times people aren’t mature enough to be in a situation and work with certain things, and that is okay. You were not created to give birth at two so don’t feel ashamed for situations You couldn’t handle too.

You will not come back, and it’s okay, You will not come back, and it’s okay

I have to remind myself if not once then twice maybe even three times of the realities I face everyday.

I miss You, and it’s okay.

I love You, and it’s okay.

I’m alone, and it’s okay.

I’m without You, and I’m okay.

I can stand on my feet and gracefully know I never have to apologize for anything I don’t want to but rather that I owe it to myself to come clean. I hope You take this with gleaming eyes and courage, because that’s what it took for me.

I hope You are well precious one.

Have a good day.Screen Shot 2017-08-06 at 4.18.16 PM

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an open letter on loving me

The pharmacy inside my brain doesn’t always work the same, some days post traumatic stress causes me to be depressed and other days bi polar waves come calmly and then slashing into my brain

Learning to love me is not easy, trust me I am aware, it runs through my head even when people look at me, “be normal, be normal, be normal”. Im not. I am not normal. And I am fine with that too. But one thing I can promise you is there is no better love than by a broken person, yes there may be baggage but they minds will be consumed with pleasing and never leaving you just to hide the pain. Post traumatic makes beautiful things from an ugly past because you see, ill do anything to make good memories with you last

Ill do anything

Some days I may be a mystery because of my history, I am so in tune with feelings that I will never fool you, I’m a sensitive and old soul and although I may be broken I will still give up pieces of myself to make other people whole, I am a rescuer

Trust me I know what pain is and I have learnt to play that game, treat me right and hold me tight and I will never be out of your sight, even if it’s the faint spark in the background lighting the room

I’m a broken person, multiple times I have been teased, I will never laugh at your struggles because I have been mocked for being mad countless times, society is actually pretty sad.

I’ve had more than bad days I’ve had bad months, bad years and black holes, I will never leave you in any of those.

I fight, yes I do, because I have felt bigger pain then the wine stain I made on your favourite shirt or the fact that I don’t like to be hurt. I will fight with every vein just so that we can stay the same. We experience anger and frustration in different ways because mine have been about pills, doctors bills and parents shouting you are insane why cant you just be the same, fights are a chip on the shoulder, like a fish breathes oxygen, I don’t drowned but you for sure will.

Ive learnt to save myself so many times because no one else did, I will save you and save you again, I may be difficult but I have the same heart that beats the same blood to the same brain, my chemist up there just doesn’t work the same.

I have PTSD I will forever remember you and you will always be apart of my heart, not just my heart but also my brain, you will give me things that the chemist cant do the same

So before you leave remember I may not be sane but you’re the best medicine I could ever gain.

Feel liberated

an open letter to my lifelines

I wake up every morning, open my eyes to a murky world, to what I’m not sure is happening or what will happen, I lay there and slowly breath as I roll from right to left to right, I take my socks off, check if all my rings are on my fingers, remove the hair from my mouth and then I reach for the most important part of my day, I sip the water and swallow the total of five pills at 8 am every morning.

 

I continue my routine as I thank the pharmaceutical companies who mass produce each of my lifelines being Stressam, Dyna Lamotrigine, Urbanol, Circardin and Oratane. Each time I swallow these lifelines I tremble between the shade of being ashamed and the sunbeams of breaking stereotypes. My heart dares for the day when I never need none of this, but at the same time it cant remember life without lifelines.

 

Its almost as if its lines of coke. I can’t live without them, I’m addicted to how I feel when I’m on them, normal, I’m addicted to feeling normal. Just like you except your chemicals get shit right, they don’t fight battles in your brain that make you wonder most days whether your insane.

They stop my throat from closing up and my stomach from giving the spinz just because I saw, in the far distance, a blonde haired, sea green eyed boy, or while I’m driving and I see a white blur next to me making me lose focus and snapping back to that moment in December when the white sheets were crisp and you whispers softly into my ear, don’t worry I’m here.

 

Although, you, the stranger may look at me and see no danger, ‘what she’s pretty, smart and has a lot going for her’, a lot going for her, like the numberless times she stopped herself from thinking she’s too much, too soon, too little, too late. Antarctica is a desert, it only receives 8% of the world’s rainfall, did you know that? It not always what it looks like, it applies for me too.

 

She convinces people on a daily basis solitude is better then being around people and she just gets classified as an introvert mean while no matter how many lies she tells, she does not enjoy solitude it is simply because she has tried to blend into the world before and people continued to disappoint her.

 

I go through my daily doings till 6 hits with two extra stressam to stop my heart from hitting my feels and exposing the poison that runs around in my head, the shit that could potentially land me up dead. 1 in 4 people are suffers and none out of those four are brave enough to brace the loud things being said by small people, never the less they go in one ear and out the other about how much stress you cause your mother and how you came from a great home and have no need to be smoking so much weed or simply that this is life and how you just need to deal, they make it sound like its as easy as eating you next meal when in your brain carrots feel like lava going down your throat and meat marks you with slashes as it expands your body and makes you bloat. For some it may be getting at the matt of dreadlocks left behind from the week you couldn’t get out of bed because you literally just felt dead, or the multiple people you speak to in your head maybe even going from high to low to just making it, just being on the go.

To break it down take a sample for example of 370 people, roughly the same amount in my school, 92 of those have got some form of mental disability or illness and no not the retards, were speaking depression, anxiety, bi polar and many more, so next time, Don’t call her a whore; you might just be the thing that tore the girl’s last stitch of living life from her body because she knows no better because dads been bending her over since she can remember.

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Think twice, think four times, think one in four and be aware, show people you care, because they’re fighting battles in their brains that may not be like a sickness in the veins. But it’s there. It honestly is.

So its around eight, and yes for mental health that’s my late, my brains frying almost as if its dying waiting for its next hit of Dopaquil so tonight’s nightmares don’t make me pull my hair out tomorrow because they still haunt me or my brain  from over thinking again and again again again.

Some of us are addicted to other drugs, drugs like being normal, just like you

Right here right now I am giving you the power to destroy you, but trusting you not too

an open letter to todays feelings

do you stop loving someone once they aren’t present? – well do you stop loving the ocean after you’ve left your vacation home?

no, to stop loving is not that simple, but in actual fact that is okay. i wished many days as i lay in bed with a lump in my throat knowing the days were few and fast approaching that i  wished i could hit pause, then rewind, and fix whatever i felt i needed to. i realized when the day dawned on me that i would break but nothing that is broken can’t be fixed, even if it needs to be changed into a different form to continue. generally that’s what pain does to us, it changes us. first this was hard to accept as the pieces of my heart inside were ripped from my chest. i thought about my hopes and dreams and jumped to conclusions that weren’t relevant or true. my heart raced fast at the sound of your name and having to explain.

it’s still early days, i go through the motions of feeling fine to having my mum scoop me off the floor and tell me everything will be okay. i believed her, i honestly did, but that didn’t make my hurting heart less sore. my pain demanded to be felt and that’s also okay

as i scrolled through photos and as memories flooded my mind of every single kind from the nights you lay your skin on mine and to days when the sea breeze kissed our skins and we did our first summer swims. i never really loved the ocean like you, you see I was scare of something I thought could consume me, yet you had. you see you marinated my lips and tought my mind you were the only name I could call. my heart hadnt shatterd yet, im  was not sure if it ever would. i would never be ready to be ripped from my gut to my throat. it was not something i could prepare  for but all I knew was in my heart i would always care. i would always be holding back the river to stop the flood of drowning you out because I was: always too much, too little, too soon, too late. ill forever dream of the nights you lay by my side shaking because you were surfing waves, i now know the feeling except the waves are filled with excruciating pain of you leaving in multiple ways and cold sweats of things you never did but my god they feel so real. i will always search in empty yet full spaces for the one i laid my eyes on. The one who taught me to love after being wrecked from the core. each day you taught me more and more

to you i am sorry

to me i am sorry

but i have realised

love will come when love wants to, love will leave when love wants to as well, and if love doesn’t want to stay, don’t beg love to, love is human and love probably still does love too but right now love doesn’t have the strength, energy or love too. love may come for a visit some day soon, love may even choose to stick around, but, love may also be off the grid and gone forever, only love will know that and if it’s true. just because love is gone doesn’t mean you have to be too. your love can stay, that’s also okay but for now,  but love needs to be away.

 

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although the chapter has been ended and the book may be closed, one may still love even if the book is back in the shelf and the next chapter is being written, it’s like a sequence in a series of writings, if one is taken out none of them there after will make any sense. so feel and feel deeply today and tomorrow, we will deal with that then.

 

 

an open letter to the boy who took me down south – 1996

I didn’t want you to take me down south
I realized that night you would

All centrifugal forces of the world couldn’t stop those sober feelings that my heart was actually still bleeding to take me in a direction I really did have to be needing. A candle at a dinner table by an open window. That’s how you made me feel. Your force blew me out of this world so many time I can’t count the e amount of times I convinced myself that shit was real. By the end of the, meal you’d put me out. Alcohol consumed your loyalty and now you claim to complain that you have a problem. But really you have no reality of the pain you made some people regain. I said to you I take you mistakes and all. I soon realized. Maybe. I was the mistake all along. I couldn’t ever really awake what I needed to to get you to stay and once again you floated away. Don’t tell me you don’t know what you’re doing because I do, you threw your whole world away and she didn’t even belong to you. Now the toughest part is I find myself standing here scrambling as to reasons I shouldn’t leave. Not you but this life. Because life is you. And you are life, who no longer is willing to lone shark love me. You took me with lust and brought me back with shame and I will probably never be the same. You took my trust and I was working for your name. I honestly believe it was forever and not just the same. But just like when jumping out a plane freefall feels like an hour when actually it’s just a sentence in this whole game. This game called life that I have to take on without the person who keeps me sane. I don’t actually know if I can do this again.

I love you are not words that brush over a ducks back like water. They that feeling of fucking g-force when I feel like I’m pushed against the ceiling but there aren’t any walls. You see that’s how we were a ceiling that could hold up a home and be built on to form a future but we had no walls to hold to ceiling. Now I’m setting here wondering will I ever get healing and for how long hell is going to be breathing into, onto and around my body like blood in my veins and impulses in my brain. I have a ‘disorder’ now. My body is rid of its most powerful drug. Withdrawal symptoms make me want to jump off a cliff and just make this all sound like a myth. Will you ever close the window and keep my flame burning? Or will it go out and my heart will still keep yearning? I don’t know either of them but I loved you best I could even if the rest was still important to you. I’d love you again maybe even the same but more than likely I’d hold you on a pedestal and hold onto you even more tightly. You’ve taken me down south. South all the way. To the most bottom part of my beeing. I hope one day I’ll be able to go back north and not struggle with just being. Eternities is a very long time. But I promised I’d love you and go with you where ever. Even if it meant having to go down south and hit the rock bottom. But I hope someday we could go north and normal. Up and out of this place and maybe then west to where we will be willing to work towards east at least and maybe be together forever. But that’s not my choice. I’ll be a glider. Waiting and hanging around on the puffs of air you send up to keep me still floating. One day I hope to be your whole day.

I’ll be a glider. Waiting and hanging around on the puffs of air you send up to keep me still floating. One day I hope to be your whole day.

First things first

I have started this blog as a place to express my inner feelings as a writer and as the motions of life take place through my day to day life.

I dont expect much from this blog maybe even nothing at all but possibly there are some peeps out there who feels the same way and would be willing to give me a read.

michaela